mental

Why? Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I making myself feel this way? Why do I have to go through this shit to get to where I want to be? Why the fuck don't they put on the packets that giving up smoking HURTS??? Day 3: The patches stopped working a couple of hours ago. I'm in a sligtly more lucid state than I was a while ago, but I don't like this anymore. The buzz is gone, now its time to get down and feel some pain… but I'm not in the mood for that. ::sigh:: Staying in control of this takes so much EFFORT. Its also fucking with my relationship at the moment - Anna's asleep in bed at the moment because I won't play with her. I can't say I'd want to play with me in this state, but she did. And I, basically said to her; "Baby, I love you loads, but please understand when I tell you I don't feel so good right now, and I want you to fuck off".

Hey Sweetie… I didn't mean it that way, I'm sorry. I just needed to be on my own for a while to get through this. Tomorrow will be easier I guess. Today was actually fantastic, right up to a while ago. I put on a patch this morning and went to work, and had a moderately stressy day. I didn't at any stage find myself wanting to smoke though - I always felt like I had had one recently… without the taste and smell (If you can envisage that). This week I'm taking 21mg of Nicotine each day, through my skin. Next week I'm swapping to the 14mg ones, and the 7's the week after that. Then I'll either stop using them completely, or I'll do alternate days or half days for a while. Whichever way.. I'll never smoke again. That's a promise, not to you, but to me. For those of you who want to comment about this in any way other than what I want to hear - Fuck You (pre-emptively). And now, I think I need to get some sleep. 'Nighters